All That I've Got
by Reall-Goodchild
Summary: Kouga reflect on something precious that he recently lost. EXTREMELY SAD Songfic for All That I've Got by The Used


**So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me  
Off guard, red handed  
Now I'm far from lonely  
Asleep I still see you lying next to me  
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I..**

Kouga clenched his eyes shut and gritted his teeth as he tried to hold back the tears, failing miserably. It had been one week. One week since the crash. One week since his world had come crumbling down. One week since she was killed. He could remember it clearly, as if it were still happening.

They were on their way home from a date. He had just purposed to her and she had accepted. They were almost back at their apartment, at the intersection only a block away, when that damned car ran the red light, hitting the passenger side of the vehicle dead on. He could still hear her screams. They haunted his every thought; his every waking moment.

It wasn't fair, he thought. He had only had her for a year and half before she was so abruptly taken from him. It just wasn't fair. It had taken him so long for him to see her and then this had to happen. He hated himself for taking so long.

**I need something else  
Would someone please just give me  
Hit me, knock me out  
And let me go back to sleep I can laugh  
All I want inside I still am empty  
So deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me I...**

He wished he could just go to sleep. She was there when he slept. Like nothing had happened. It was always morning in his dreams. The sun pouring into their yellow bedroom, making everything seem golden. His dream self would open his eyes and there she would be, smiling back up at him. She always whispered something, he could never make it out though. Then there would be the blood curdling scream that would wake him up again, and she wouldn't be there then.

That's when he'd remember everything. How he had cradled her in his arms after the medics had pronounced her dead. How he could still feel her lingering warmth that was so quickly fading. Her eyes were still open. No longer were they lit with life though. They were cold and dead. Blood was everywhere.

**I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got**

Over the past few days, people had come to see him, to give him their condolences. He didn't want they're pity. He wanted her back. If only for a minute. Just to give him a chance to tell her that he loved her and that he missed her and to say goodbye.

No one wanted him to be alone, but he was never alone. She was always there in his memories and hallucinations. Yes there had been the odd time that he had seen her, talked to her, held her. It seemed so real. But then she'd fade away and he'd be alone again. Well, alone as he could be anyway.

**I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got.**

All he had was those memories though. Those memories, her clothes and all the pictures of them together. Gods he wished she was still there.

**I guess, I remember every glance you shot me  
Un-harmed, I'm losing weight and some body heat  
I squoze so hard I stopped your heart from beating  
So deep that I didn't even scream fuck me, I...**

He remembered all those times that he had caught her staring at her from afar. At first he had never wanted her he had other priorities. But after years of ignoring her silent pleas for love and attention, he had finally given her a chance, and he never regretted it. He never would.

Gods, if he had known that he would lose her, he would have held he so tight. He never would have let her go. He wished he had died instead of her or with her. The thought of ending his life was tempting, but he knew she would want him to keep on living. To find another and move on with his life. And maybe he would, in time. Not now, but eventually maybe.

**I'll be just fine  
Pretending I'm not  
I'm far from lonely  
And it's all that I've got**

Slowly, he lay down on their bed. Or well, his bed now. She was no longer with him. Looking up at the ceiling, he let his eyes droop and close. Soon sleep consumed him.

There she was again. Her bright green eyes staring up at him with her heart stopping smile. Her read hair a mess. His Ayame. Alive and healthy in his dreams.

**And it's all that I've got  
Yeah, it's all that I've got**

* * *

AN: Oh my god. I am evil! I was literally bawling my eyes out while writing this! Please don't hate me! I don't know what's with all the sad angsty death fics lately. Sorry.

Any reviews welcome. Feel free to yell at me. The song is All That I've Got by The Used. Me no own.


End file.
